Groucho Marx Quotes

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Blood’s not thicker than money.

Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!

How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago… I shot my broker.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8 to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.

Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

Oh are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Remember men, you are fighting for this lady’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Say! You haven’t stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!

Seven? That many? She blushed, and said, ‘Well, I love my husband.’ Groucho came back with, ‘I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while.’

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he’s crooked.

There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit… retire!

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.

This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy… and I bet he was glad to get rid of it

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed… But we’re going back next week.

Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.