Joan Rivers Quotes

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

All my friends are dying. That’s why I always wear black.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life.

Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I am furious about everything.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I don’t think there’d be a Tina Fey now if I hadn’t tried to look good in the beginning.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don’t need it. It all comes out onstage.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I just love acting.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I lived to be on stage, and I’m terrified. Terrified before every show.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally youth-oriented.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

I was not an attractive child.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

If you’re saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that’s acting.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.

Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Never floss with a stranger.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The thing is, I’m happiest when I’m on stage.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.