A dog has got human eyes.
A slug is always on its own. It’s a lonely insect.
And we’ve got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.
Any problem solved is a new problem made.
But I’m not an idiot. At the end of the day, I’ve learned a lot.
By 78 you’ve done everything you’re going to do. If you haven’t bungee-jumped by the time you’re 78 you’re not going to do it.
Comedy’s really subjective, you know.
Could the world fall?
Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don’t know if I’m in charge of mine.
I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you’re seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that’s added gives you a certain feeling.
I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla’s just sat there doing nowt.
I came up with a good idea… See through skin.
I don’t watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that’s in there.
I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.
I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn’t wait to get off the stage.
I have been in my body for years.
I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that’s all you can do in life, really.
I mean, I don’t really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.
I saw a bee have a heart attack.
I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don’t quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there’s awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don’t televise it. I don’t know why they do it for films or TV programs.
I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut.
I woke up the other night, quite late, and I said to my girlfriend, I said, ‘How do you put a snake down?’.
I’d say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they’re meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.
If an idea isn’t daft, it isn’t worth thinking about.
If you haven’t got eyes, you shouldn’t have wings!
If you’d have told me five years ago that I’d have done all this – two books, some television and everything – I’d panic, I’d be scared.
If your brain was in your foot it would take you ages to say anything.
I’m not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn’t really changed.
It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.
It’s no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep.
It’s not a joke: I really do like being at home.
I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews.
I’ve never won many awards, I didn’t get certificates for swimming or anything.
Knowledge is almost annoying.
My ears; they seem to be interested in everything, even though i’m not.
Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain’t been back. It can’t have been that good.
Normally you can’t hear you’re own voice because you’re talking over it.
People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug’s aspirin and the monkey’s got a headache, is it tight?
People rave on about dolphins being so bright, but what exactly have they done?
People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.
Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.
That’s the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.
The reason I did the book about holidays is that you’re a different person on holiday. You’re sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you’ve never met and for 10 days you’re someone else. You’re out of your comfortable zone.
The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now.
There’s too many words!
They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn’t anything else to drown it out at the time?
To be honest, marriage doesn’t scare me and that, it’s just once you’ve been together for so long, if you haven’t got any kids it’s just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn’t it?
To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don’t need any spoiling or looking after.
We’re just a weed in the universe.
When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I’ve done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.
When I was younger I remember once I went to bed and I was so happy that I laughed myself to sleep.
When you’ve been on a programme called ‘An Idiot Abroad’ job offers aren’t exactly flying in.
Why didn’t evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?
Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched ‘University Challenge.’ The onion was probably the highlight.
You can only talk rubbish if you’re aware of knowledge.
You can’t hold your breath to death!
You know, when you’re a producer, you’re a bit of a lackey. You’re just making cups of tea and making sure they’ve got newspaper, stuff like that.
You never see an old man eating a Twix.
You won’t get anything done by planning.