A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa.
As a comedian, you have to decide whether to give the masses what they want, or whether to give them something much better.
Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It’s all we’ve got.
Force your children to read The Bible. If they are smart and kind it will put them off religion for life.
Got a proper job at 28. Gave it up to try comedy at 38. Decided to get fit and healthy at 48. It’s never too late. But do it now.
Had an idea for celebrity big brother. Leave them in there for months and when they come out let them know it wasn’t televised.
Honor is a gift a man gives himself. You can be as good as anyone that ever lived. If you can read, you can learn everything that anyone ever learned. But you’ve got to want it.
I am not a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I’m a wolf in wolf’s clothing.
I have plenty of pet hates. I can’t stand people scraping their plate or slurping their soup. I can’t stand waiting in lines. I hate people talking inanely about the Lord of the Rings. I hate people whistling. But I’m not like this because I’m famous. I’ve always been a grumpy bastard.
I pay full tax and I love it. I wouldn’t be where I am today without free education and the NHS.
I’m not from these parts. I’m from a little place called England – we used to run the world before you lot.
I’ve never regretted turning money down. I don’t do anything for the money. It bores me.
If you are threatened or offended by people disagreeing, challenging or even ridiculing your faith, your faith can’t be that strong.
It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: Breakfast.
Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.
Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I’ll shut up and go away.
Money gives me the creeps and mildly embarrasses me. I get paid too much anyway.
People confuse the subject of the joke with the target of the joke, and they’re very rarely the same.
Piracy doesn’t kill music, boy bands do.
Pol Pot – he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they’re that clever, take them off when they see him coming!
Some of you are really smart. You know who you are. Some of you are really thick. Unfortunately, you don’t know who you are.
Thank you God for making me an Atheist.
The existence of God is not subjective. He either exists or he doesn’t. It’s not a matter of opinion. You can have your own opinions. But you can’t have your own facts.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side!
The only route to success is hard work. If you didn’t work hard I don’t think it counts as success.
There’s no difference between fame and infamy now. There’s a new school of professional famous people that don’t do anything. They don’t create anything.
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative!
Whether you believe that life evolved over billions of years or God made everything, you can’t justify torturing an animal for a shampoo.
Why buy a book when you can join a library.
You have options. You can either continue to be miserable or you can just stop being angry at everyone and accept the way things are. Allow yourself to live.
You never see a lazy ant. It’s always working… It’s drunk, but it’s always working.
You should make something. You should bring something into the world that wasn’t in the world before. It doesn’t matter what it is. It doesn’t matter if it’s a table or a film or gardening-everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say, ‘I did that.’
You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.
Your critics want you to be as unhappy, unfulfilled and unimportant as they are. Let your happiness eat them up from inside.
Your God is the best God. In fact, he’s the only God. All other Gods are ridiculous, made up rubbish. Not yours though. Yours is real.