Henny Youngman Quotes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Take my wife… Please!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Published by

Quote Authors

The smart quote finder.