A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’