A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.